Südafrika-Forum

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were an Australian guy, a South African bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Australian has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: The Australian guy must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That Australian guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The Australian thinks: The South African bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The South African thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can klap that Aussie again.

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the
night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be
drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way
then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his
face. 'Damn' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself
off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,

'Damn,

'Damn!'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the
door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and
shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep
breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the
sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'By'Jeebers.... I'm a little crocked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls
himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a
look up the stairs and says 'No damn' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his
bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the
room and falls flat on his face. He says ' Damn it ' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of
coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was really crocked. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned .. . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak...
He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged...shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.'

'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter.

'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.'

'Well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?'

'Not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'She's a flute player in the Syracuse Symphony. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.'

President Kgalema Motlanthe to day announced that they are changing our national flag
to the shape of a condom because it accurately reflects our governments political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a
bunch of pricks and gives you a false sense of security while you are actually being screwed .
It just cannot get more accurate than that

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter
at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,
"What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands
on your clock will move."
>
"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The
hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
>
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded,

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice
telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
>
"Where's Jacob Zuma's?" asked the man.

"Zuma's clock is in the main office.

They using it as a fan."

LOOOOOOOOOL! Brueller, der letzte ist echt hammer!! Find ich echt top!

No Speaka De English


A bus stopped and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! . Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the one man.
"Who talkin' about a sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell " Mississippi '."

I bet R100 you're gonna read this again!

Sehr nett. Und die R100 hole ich mir gelegentlich ab, wäre als Investment nicht schlecht. Was kostet mittlerweile die Flasche Klippdrift, Klippe?

The maker doesn't want it; the buyer doesn't use it; and the user doesn't even see it. What is it???











Coffin

Women Are Evil By Nature...


A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

'Actually, no,' he replied.

'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?'

'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.

'Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, handsoap, or paper towels in the ladies room.'

BTW die Flasche kosted so umme R70

Mit den R70 ist sicher der Klipdrift gemeint, nicht die handsoap?!?

Quoted

Original von rhoihesseschnook
Mit den R70 ist sicher der Klipdrift gemeint, nicht die handsoap?!?

genau

Heute stand ich mit einem grossen Sack Hundefutter an der Supermarktkasse, als eine Frau hinter mir fragte ob dies fuer meine Hunde waere.
"Nein" sagte ich "die esse ich selber".
"Davon habe ich noch nie gehoert" sagte sie.
Sie muessen das auch einmal versuchen, es ist aeusserst nahrhaft" sagte ich.
Da sah sie, dass ich eine grosse Prellwunde an meinem Oberarm hatte.
"Hatten sie einen Unfall" fragte sie.
"Ja" sagte ich "Ich wurde von einem Auto angefahren".
"Wie das"? fragte sie "Passierte das auf dem Buergersteig oder auf einem Parkplatz"?
"Nein" sagte ich "Ich sass auf der Strasse und leckte meine Hoden".

Kann man das auch mit Katzenfutter?

You are regretfully invited to the funeral of MR JACK DANIELS, who was
murdered by MR OLD BROWN SHERRY in the V O BERTRAM area. This was
following an argument about a woman named MRS AMARULA, the daughter of
JAMESON.

MR SHERRY was arrested by snr. CAPTAIN MORGAN at his home in
CASTLE Town on the corner of SMIRNOFF & KLIPDRIFT avenue.

MR DANIELS leaves behind his wife SAVANNAH, his daughter VAWTER, his
twin brothers J & B, and his stepson HUNTERS, who lived on the corner of
FISH EAGLE and KWV near by.

His soul will be laid to rest at the SOUTHERN COMFORTcemetery, and The
service will be conducted by Bishop JOHNNY WALKER.

The FOUR COUSINS choir will also be present.

Refreshments will be served at the AUTUMN HARVEST community hall, in The
HANSA location which is in the BLACK LABEL area in HEINEKEN village.

Your presence will be highly appreciated.
Regards
Chivas Regal

Beim ersten Abschlag greift joubertpark in sein Golfbag, holt einen roten Ball heraus und sagt zu seinem Partner: " He, probier doch diesen Ball! Den kannst du nicht verlieren!"
"Wie meinst du das?"
"Wenn du ihn in den Wald schlägst, gibt er einen Piep von sich, wenn du ihn ins Wasser schlägst, steigen Luftblasen auf und wenn du ihn ins Rough schlägst, zeigt dir eine Rauchwolke an, wo er liegt." "Unglaublich, wo hast du ihn her?"
joubertpark: "Ich hab ihn gefunden."

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A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooter’s.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off."

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revellers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?"

Condom Factory burns down in Australia !
Kevin Rudd, Prime Minister of Australia, is awoken at 4am by the telephone.
Kevin, its the health Minister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency!!!
I've just received word that the Durex factory in Sydney has burned to the ground.
It is estimated that the entire Australian supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week!
PM: 'SH*T!!! - the economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - we'll be ruined!!'
Health Minister: 'We're going to have to ship some in from.... Britain?'
PM: 'No chance!! The Poms will have a field day on this one!!'
Health Minister: 'What about South Africa ?'
PM: 'I'll call SA - tell them we need ten million condoms;
ten inches long and eight inches thick!!
That way they'll continue to respect the wallabies!'
Three days later a delighted Kevin rushes out to open the boxes.
He finds ten million condoms, 10 inches long, 8 inches thick, all coloured green and gold with small writing on each one...
MADE IN South Africa
SIZE: Small

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