No joke 4 the weekend,...

rather let´s celebrate springtime in Namaqualand!

(Wish I could see it right now)

erzähl das nicht so rum, die WFS zählt zu den wenigen Dingen die europ. Touristen noch nicht Reisebusweise erleben (können).

A joke this weekend.

Drinking partners

A German hunter, an Austrian hunter and a South African are in a bushbar one night having a beer.

All of a sudden the German drinks his beer, throws his glass in
the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "In Germany
our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the
same one twice," he says.

The Austrian, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his
glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces. "ja
friend, in Austria we have so much glass factories to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out the same glass either," he says

The South African, cool as a Mamba, picks up his beer and drinks it,
throws his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the German
and the Austrian.
He turns to the astonished barman and says, "in South Africa Bud, we Have so many bloody Germans and Austrians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice."

One of the best ones I have ever had!

diesen vers hab ich von einem 8 jahre alten schulkind in SA gelernt.

mother puts her little daughter
20 minutes under water

not to make her any trouble
just to see the funny bubble.

Ein Südafrikaner findet eine Öllampe und reibt daran.
Heraus springt ein Geist und sagt:
"Master, du hast 3 Wünsche frei".

"Dann wünsch ich mir eine Flasche Bier die nie zuende geht",
entgegnete dieser. Und schwupps stand da eine Flasche.
Er nimmt die Flasche, nimmt einen kräftigen Schluck und siehe da,
die Flasche war wieder voll.

Nachdem er 2 Wochen durchgesoffen hat, rieb er wieder an
der Lampe und wierderum erscheint der Flaschengeist.

"Master, du hast noch 2 Wünsche frei".

"Gut", sagt der Südafrikaner,
"gib mir noch 2 weitere Flaschen".

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer
when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching
a clip board and yelling,


"You Sign! You sign!"


Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.


Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man
starts to yell louder,


"You Sign! You sign!"


Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and
shuts the door in his face.


The next day he hears a knock at the door again.


When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of
brake pads.


He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,


"You sign! You sign!"


Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the
little Chinese man back, shouting:


"Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he
slams the door in his face again.


The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he
hears a knock on the door again.


On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a
clipboard under his nose, shouting,


"You sign! You sign!"


Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.


This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little
Man by his shirt front and yells at him:


"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong
name! Who do you want to give these to?"


The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard,
and says (in a Chinese accent)

You not Nissan Main Dealer

Jesus war ein Student!

Ganz eindeutig!

Lange Haare, mit 30 noch bei den Eltern gehockt,
und wenn er mal was tat war es ein Wunder.

Gott fliegt ueber Afrika!

Und er dachte sich den schwarzen einheimischen mal was gutes zu tun. Er geht zume rsten und sagt:” Du hast nen Wunsch frei”, da sagt der schwarze:” Gut, ich will weiss sein”. Gesagt getan.
Gott fliegt zum naechsten, auch dieser wuenschte sich weiss zu sein!
Dann zog er weiter, gut gelaunt, weil er hat ja Leute gluecklich gemacht, da kam er zum letzten.
Gott:” Und mein Sohn, was wuenscht du dir?
Er:” Ich will, dass sie alle wieder weiss sind”….

Jesus kommt mal wieder auf die Erde um die Gläubigkeit der menschen zu testen. am ersten haus klopft er an: ich bins euer Herr-ok. Frau gib im Brot und etwas zu trinken.

im zweiten Haus klopft er an:ich bins euer Herr- Frau gib ihm 5 euro für Mc Donalds-ist gleich um die Ecke Herr.

beim dritten Haus klopft Jesus an-ein ewas mürrischer Mann öffnet-schaut Jesus lange an und ruft in das Haus- Frau bring Hammer und Nägel -er ist wieder da.! der Herr sei mit euch gruß B.

Honni soit qui mal y pense.

CONFESSIONS OF AN IJAW KID

Little Diepriye came into the kitchen where his mother
was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a
good time to tell his mother what he wanted.
"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Priye was
a bit of a troublemaker.
He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.
Priye's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.
Little Priye, of course, thought he did.

Priye's mother wanted Priye to reflect on his behavior
over the last year.
"Go to your room, Priye, and think about how you have
behaved this year.

Then write a letter to God and tell him why you
deserve a bike for your birthday." Little Priye stomped up the steps to
his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like
a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Priye

Priye knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a
very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2
Dear God,
This is your friend Priye. I have been a good boy this
year and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you.
Your friend Priye

Priye knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore
up the letter and started again.

Letter 3
Dear God,
I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would
really like a bike for my birthday.
Priye

Priye knew he could not send this letter to God
either. So, Priye wrote a fourth letter.

Letter 4
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very
sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday.
Please!
Thank you,
Priye

Priye knew, even if it was true, this letter was not
going to get him a bike.

Now, Priye was very upset. He went downstairs and told
his mom that he wanted to go to church. Priye's mother thought her
plan had worked, as Priye looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner," Priye's mother told
him.


Priye walked down the street to the church on the
corner. Little Priye went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see
if anyone was there. Priye bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary. He slipped the
statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room.
He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Priye began
to write his letter to God.

Letter 5
God,
I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER
AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!!!!!!!!!!

The hit man.

Diepriye

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot for young lovers. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing so he carefully approaches to get a closer look.

Inside he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?" The cop says: "What are you doing?" The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane... and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says "I'm 22, sir." The cop asks: "And her... what's her age?" The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11minutes."

I love that one, echt gut...*copy paste...

Gruß

Roland

VfB

Vorbild für Bayern!

Mandela is enjoying a hearty breakfast - bacon,eggs, coffee, croissants, toast, butter, jam, etc. when Bush, chewing gum, sits next to him and starts a conversation:

Bush: "You South Africans eat the whole bread?"

Mandela: "Of course."

Bush (blowing bubble with his gum): "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle, rebake them into croissants and sell them toSouth Africa."

Mandela: "Oh Really?"

Bush: "D"ya eat jam with the bread?"

Mandela: "Of course."

Bush (chuckling and crackling his gum between his teeth): "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, put all the peels, seeds and left overs into containers, recycle them into jam and sell it to South Africa."

Mandela: "Do you have sex in America?"

Bush: "Of course we do."

Mandela: "And what do you do with the condoms?"

Bush: "Throw them away of course."

Mandela: "We don't. We pack them into containers, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to America."

Call to God

An Englishman decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about British churches so he bought a train ticket and took a trip to London, thinking that he would work his way up the country from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church, taking photographs, when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read, "£20,000 per call!"
The Englishman, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and for £20,000 you could talk to God. The Englishman thanked the priest and went on his way. His next stop was in Northampton.

There, at a very large church, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he had seen in London so he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £20,000 he could talk to God.

"Thank you," said the Englishman.

He then traveled to Coventry, Birmingham, Liverpool, Manchester, Blackpool, Lancaster and Carlisle. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "£20,000 per call" sign under it.

The Englishman, upon realizing how close he was to the Scottish border, decided to see if the Scots had the same phone. He crossed the border and came to a small town called Gretna, and again,
there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read,"20 pence per call".

The Englishman was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.

"Father, I have traveled all over England and I have seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told it is a direct line to heaven, but in every one the price was £20,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered

Well laddie, you're in Scotland now, it's a local call."

Three guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator.

While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.

The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know...

Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y, you know...

Double Income, No Kids, Yet."

The third guy says "I'm a R.U.B you know...

Rich Urban Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you??"

She replies: "I'm a WIFE you know...

Wash, Iron, F#@K, Etc."

10 commandments of marriage

Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But, so are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 1000 grand!

Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.
Marriage and love are purely matters of chemistry.
That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10.
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.

Bonus Commandment story.
A long - married couple came upon a wishing well.
The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The husband decided to make a wish too.
But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled,
"Wow! This stuff really works!"

A little smoke in the morningtime,iss besser wie den ganzen Tag alleine !

A True Australian ghost story
-This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds
like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true. John Bradford, a Sydney
University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark
night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went
by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John,
desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and
closed the door, just to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the
engine wasn't on!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve
approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just
before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.

John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every
time they came to a curve. John saw the lights of a pub down the road so,
gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of
breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila. He then
started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.
A silence enveloped everybody when they realized he was crying
and....wasn't drunk.

About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub. They were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other,
"Look, Bruce.. here's the f***ing idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."